Word Salad Jazzmatron

This is my brother, everyone.

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 01:25:23 GMT

Goodbye, productivity. Granted, we were never very close.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 01:25:26 GMT

My parents' cable package is such that, in addition to the channels we normally get, we get two or three other random channels that change every four to six weeks. Sometimes they're awesome (Biography), and sometimes they're lame (the Tennis Channel). This month, we're getting the Lifetime Movie Network. Tonight, they're playing "Tempted", starring Virginia Madsen, which the TV listing summarizes this way: "A married woman becomes attracted to a young man after she takes the ashes of her nanny to Hawaii."

I am so excited to watch stuff like this all month long.

I also caught about 45 minutes of "Bed of Roses" the other day. If you haven't seen it, it's basically like "Twilight", only with florists instead of vampires. Not in a funny way, though. Just in the creepy ways.

Note to self:

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:25:09 GMT

If someone asks you to do something kind of amazing and a bit daunting - like, I don't know, help them write a play - they probably didn't ask you because they don't think you can do it. They probably asked because they think you CAN. So maybe you should just trust them and do it.

Try to remember this.

I got to Kansas City on a Friday (like always, because that's how the Greyhound runs).

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 03:25:04 GMT

I visited Sakari in Kansas City two weekends ago, for the fourth and probably last time. (I guess I might drive down with her mom to see their final show in the spring, so it may be the penultimate time.) Here is a list of the cool things I did:

Recorded a voice-over for Sakari's thesis film in an actual studio, with headphones and foam-covered walls and everything. This is the second time we have thus collaborated. (The second time I've done a voice-over for her, that is. This was the first time I'd been in a studio. I recorded myself in my basement last time, but this is a senior thesis film, and my basement was not going to cut it.) Here's the result of that first collaboration, by the way.

Other things:
Got blissfully drunk two nights in a row, which, believe it or not, I don't think I'd ever done before.
Went to a drag show.
Went to what looked to me like an eminently hip thrift store (like I would know), where Sakari convinced me to buy this awesome dress.

Wore awesome dress to a fashion show/dance party.
Met and talked to more cute boys than I ever even see in my everyday life.
Took this photo, in which Sakari's friend Jack and I are totally indistinguishable from one another, and I look sort of unhappy about it (which I wasn't).

We did other cool things, but these were the highlights. Mostly, I just can't believe that Sakari will be graduating soon. Weird.

People and things that YouTube has figured out I like.

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 08:19:21 GMT

Dave Chapelle.
The Lonely Island.
Short clips/montages of short clips from notoriously bad movies.
"30 Rock".
"Saturday Night Live".
Animals cleverly escaping from that which was meant to contain them.
"Bananas In Pajamas".
Werewolves.
Maria Bamford.
Music videos.
Other countries' versions of "American Idol".

It also recommended this to me, and I have absolutely no idea why.

I watched the whole thing, though, which is probably the cause of most of my problems in life.

Next time: A list of the coolest things that happened while visiting Sakari in Kansas City last weekend. It's actually a pretty long list, at least for me.

Small world.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 21:27:48 GMT

The second boy I ever had a crush on (fifth grade) works at the SuperAmerica eight blocks from my house. He has no idea who I am, so I didn't talk to him, but I'm sure it's the same guy. We didn't have any classes together or anything - he was two years older than me, and had the locker across the hall from mine. I saw him between classes once, was enthralled, and looked him up in the yearbook, which is the only reason I even know his name. Yes, I was kind of a creepy fifth grader. (Have I gotten better since then? Only kind of.) In my defense, I went to a tiny school, so it's not like finding someone's face in the yearbook was a lot of work. Also, I was eleven. I had a lot of time on my hands.

Meanwhile, the first boy I ever had a crush on (third grade) is Facebook friends with a guy I met last summer and developed a crush on. I have no idea how they know each other, but again, I'm fairly sure the guy from third grade doesn't remember me, so I'm not going to ask anyone and try to find out. The guy from third grade rode the same school bus as me, and once dyed his hair blue, which I thought was the coolest thing ever. He was also really into Magic: The Gathering, which I begged him to teach me to play, but he always insisted that the game was far too complicated, and that trying to learn it would only frustrate me.

I now have a mental image of all the guys I've ever had an unrequited crush on meeting in a warehouse somewhere, like Batman villains, except in instead of how to take over Gotham City, they're discussing how to get me to leave them alone.

"I mean, we're all pretty much sick fucks for being in these comms in the first place. xD"

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 11:21:10 GMT

I ran across a piece of "Inglourious Basterds" fanfiction today whose author described it thus: "NC-17 slash. They kill someone, but nothing kinky."

It's because of sentences like that one that I think the "Inglourious Basterds" fandom might be the greatest one I've ever encountered.

Can't keep a good basterd down.

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 20:17:59 GMT

This video is my new favorite thing, and I can't explain why. Or maybe I just don't want to.

15 Movies in 15 minutes (re-posted from Facebook).

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 05:33:23 GMT

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen movies you've seen that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes, then tag fifteen friends.

(I cheated spectacularly on this. I did not fill it out in 15 minutes. I thought about it on and off for about two weeks before typing a word. I tag whoever cares to fill it out.)

The movies:

1. Heathers - I'm sure there are probably better examples of female empowerment in film than Veronica Sawyer, but when I was twelve, I could not think of one. Considering how many stories there are where a girl gets involved with the wrong guy and then gets pregnant or smacked around or killed or something equally horrible and damning, I thought it was so cool (and still do) that Veronica is not only allowed to get into trouble, but that she's also allowed to get herself out of it with equal effectiveness. This was also one of my first exposures to dark comedy and stylized dialogue - I don't remember previously thinking that a character dying could be funny, or that they could say things like "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw."

2. Annie Hall - My favorite movie of all time. Among many other things, it changed my mind about nonlinear storytelling. I used to not like it. I don't know why. It was a dark time in my life.

3. Zodiac - It mercilessly exploits both my love of a well-constructed screenplay and my probably inordinate fear of being a victim of random, violent crime. I made the mistake of watching it alone in my house at night. At one point I paused it and got up to do something, and when I came back into the room, my cat was sitting on the back of the couch - except she was curled up in a ball so that at first glance, from a distance, it looked like the hair on the back of a person's head. I was for one second completely sure that a stranger had snuck into my house and was sitting on my couch. I don't think I've ever been so terrified in my life.

4. Romeo + Juliet - It's big and crashing and epic and garish and fabulously melodramatic, and it fostered a lifelong love of other things that fit that description. I would still rather watch this than than the Zeffirelli version any day.

5. Fantasia - I don't see how anyone who loves music or art could have grown up without loving this movie. It is so awesome.

6. Crush On U - This is without question the worst movie I have ever seen. Yes, it is worse than "Plan 9 From Outer Space". If nothing else, there are individual frames of "Plan 9" that you could show to a person who hadn't seen the movie, and they might go, "Oh, well, that's kind of cool-looking." Nothing like this can be said about "Crush On U". An IMDb user described it as "truly dire," and they're right. It is baffling in its horribleness. It is for this reason that I think anyone who is any kind of artist who sometimes feels insecure in their talent should watch it. Even if your worst fears are true, and you really are a talentless, inept hack with nothing important to say, you are still capable of producing better work than "Crush On U". You have to be. And "Crush On U" was, a) completed, and b) distributed on DVD. So you have no reason whatsoever not to follow your dream.

7. Rashomon - I feel like the term "mind-blowing" gets thrown around too much, but it's the best way I can describe the effect that seeing this for the first time had on me. I remember thinking at the time that it may have been the best movie I'd ever seen. It felt like someone had thrown open doors inside my head that I didn't know were there.

8. The Truth About Cats and Dogs - An excellent movie for anyone who's felt like they were living in a world built for people more beautiful than them. Yes, the plot is kind of stupid. (If Ben Chaplin really can't figure out what's going on with these two women, then I'm surprised he hasn't drowned in the shower yet.) But it's funny and charming, and the friendship between Janeane Garofalo and Uma Thurman is actually one of the most well-developed female friendships I think I've seen in a romantic comedy. Also, any movie in which Garofalo asks a cosmetics saleswoman if she has any pore maximizers, because sometimes she just needs a place to stash her keys, is my kind of movie.

9. Hedwig and the Angry Inch - It was unlike anything I'd seen before, and I actually got in huge trouble with my mom for seeing it, because she thought it was horribly inappropriate. I saw it at Sakari's house, and she threatened to not let me go over there anymore because she was so angry. Awful at the time, but sort of funny to look back on now, and I think the sense of transgression only made me enjoy the movie more. It also jump started a period of weirdly intense infatuation with Michael Pitt. I still like him now, but for a while, I was REALLY into him. I may or may not have an autographed photo left over from this period.

10. Walking and Talking - If I ever make a movie, I'll basically be trying to make this one. And the way that Liev Schreiber says "Hello, cookies! Me likey!" is one of those things I can think about at any random moment and laugh out loud.

11. Pocahontas - The first time I remember crying in a movie theater. It also made me aware of the difference between seeing a movie on the big screen and watching it at home. I was ridiculously excited when my mom bought it for me on video, but was disappointed to find that it didn't move me as much in my living room as it had in the theater.

12. Grease - Like everyone else, I watched it over and over as a kid, and I'm still a little disappointed that high school wasn't actually like that. Luckily, I got to be in the play during my senior year, and that was almost as good.

13. Alive - I have never been someone who was afraid of flying. In fact, probably because I do it so infrequently (I haven't been on a plane since I was in eighth grade), I've always found it kind of fun. Well, "Alive" has made me afraid to fly. The plane crash sequence at the beginning is one of the most unsettling things I've ever seen in a movie, and I know that when I do set foot on a plane again, I will have a hard time not thinking about it.

14. Secretary - Causes you to find things sexy that you never thought you would. On a shallow note, I also really love and want all of Maggie Gyllenhaal's clothes.

15. The Rocky Horror Picture Show - Another movie I saw at Sakari's house that I felt cooler and more adult for watching. I still have my Columbia costume from when we used to go to midnight showings at the Riverview all the time. Sadly, I don't fit into it anymore, because I am no longer fourteen.

Jenny Slate.

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 23:53:47 GMT

Not fired!

SNL Update: Whoa, Jenny.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 07:29:56 GMT

Jenny Slate accidentally said "fuck" during her first sketch ever on "Saturday Night Live".

Wow. I. . . wow. I really hope she doesn't get fired. Granted, history is not on her side on this count, but head writer Seth Meyers gave her what looked like a supportive hug before the end credits, so. . . that might bode well. Right?

She looks so upset in that second clip that it just makes my heart hurt. I really feel bad for her. Of course, I'm the kind of person who can't ever fully enjoy watching understudies in plays, because I spend the whole show feeling nervous for them. So I might be hypersensitive to this kind of thing.

I thought the premiere itself was really lame, unfortunately. The accidental F-bomb was the most memorable part by far.

Living in Bolivian.

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 19:32:33 GMT

I saw a guy on CNN today complaining about Obama "taxing us into Bolivian." Yes, really.

I'm still not sure if he just misspoke, or if he really thinks this is a phrase people use. If it's the latter. . . what does he think it refers to?

Dear SNL: Sometimes I just don't know what to do with you.

Sat, 05 Sep 2009 07:03:50 GMT

Two new women have been added to the cast of "Saturday Night Live". They are Jenny Slate, who I like (though I admit that I still sometimes get her mixed up with Alison Becker), and Nasim Pedrad, who I'm not familiar with, but hey, isn't it cool that they hired an Iranian woman? Yeah, I think to myself, I'm actually kind of happy with this. Sure, I'm still bothered by the fact that they don't have a single black woman in the cast, especially when you consider that, hello, we have a black First Lady. (I maintain that if Lorne Michaels were smarter, he'd have lured Debra Wilson away from "MADtv" a decade ago.) Let's not even get into the fact that, unless my memory and Wikipedia fail me, there has never been a single Asian cast member of either gender in all of the show's thirty-five(!) years. (If anyone can prove me wrong on this count, I will be really happy, but I'm pretty sure there hasn't been.) These are glaring problems, but you know, I'll take what I can get. And there are now six women on the show! That's cool, right?

Well, it turns out there aren't six women, because they fired Casey Wilson and Michaela Watkins. I guess I can sort of understand Casey Wilson, because while I think she's funny, I know a lot of people don't care for her. I'm more baffled by the firing of Michaela Watson. It seemed like they'd been using her a lot lately, and I think she's very funny. But what confounds me the most is the fact that they fired Wilson and Watson, but decided to keep Abby Elliott. The only memorable thing I think she's done in her year on the show was play Angelina Jolie. That's it. I have absolutely no idea why she would be the one they decided to keep.

Funereal antics!

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 05:40:19 GMT

If you've ever wondered what the height of tragicomedy might look like, I learned this weekend at my step-grandmother's funeral that it's actually something very specific. It's being the very last car in a funeral procession that is trying to merge onto the freeway. My mom is not normally one of those drivers who yells profanities at the people around her, but she apparently has the ability to become one with head-spinning swiftness if the situation demands it.

Runner-up: Listening to my great-aunt Diane explain why she stayed for decades in an unhappy marriage with my great-uncle El. There were a lot of reasons - a divorce would have been hard on their kids, she was financially dependent on him for much of the time, life was just different then and divorce wasn't as common. But it basically came down to the fact that she made a promise, and she considered it her job as a woman and as a Catholic to keep that promise, even if she did, in her words, "want to cut out his heart with a rusty spoon" by the time that he died of diabetes complications a few years ago. I believe she currently lives alone except for her pet snake, and she's pretty open about the fact that she's much happier now.

If it is, I'll stop.

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 05:40:38 GMT

Question: Is it totally obnoxious to use Yiddish words if you're not Jewish? Because I almost referred to someone as a mensch the other day, but I stopped myself, because I thought it might come off weird, seeing as how I'm 100% gentile.

This.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 05:59:42 GMT

Awesome.

Sakari and I saw Cobra Commander's new romantic comedy, and we Booed about it!

By the way, I know it says "(500) Days of Summer review part 1", but there is no part two. We recorded one, but Sakari's iPhone crashed and we lost it, and we didn't consider it stellar enough to re-record. We're diligent like that.

Filmic opinions, let me show you them.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 10:07:17 GMT

Sakari started an AudioBoo page, which so far features six five-minute podcasts, the last four of which are me and her reviewing "Bruno" and "Constantine". Actually, the word "review" connotes a little more structure and erudition than can really be attributed to our recordings, but we think they're cool anyway. So if you were just now saying to yourself, "Hey, I wonder what Sakari and Rita have to say about a Keanu Reeves movie that came out four years ago?", we have you covered. Enjoy.

We're also planning to see "(500) Days of Summer" on Friday and podcast about it, so keep an eye (ear?) out.

But which one would do a better job of running the Supreme Court?

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:19:23 GMT

Every time I hear someone refer to Chief Justice Roberts, it puts me in mind of the Dread Pirate Roberts. That's where my mind goes. Is anyone else having this issue?

Or is it subconscious?

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 19:12:56 GMT

Last night: Remarkably vivid dream in which I made out with Leonardo DiCaprio.

A few nights ago: Dream in which I made out with an anonymous, handsome Asian guy in a suit who did not speak English and magically appeared in my shower.

Dear Unconscious: Please send more.

I can't, Nia Vardalos.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 04:29:18 GMT

I love "My Big Fat Greek Wedding". I own it on DVD, and if I run across it on cable, I am liable to sit and watch it until it ends. It's broad and and corny and predictable, but I think it's really charming and well done, and in the end, I would not hesitate to call it a genuinely good movie. I really enjoy it a lot.

I also really like Nia Vardalos, and I want her to keep working. But her two new movies - "My Life In Ruins", which came out a couple of weeks ago, and "I Hate Valentine's Day", which opens July 3rd, both look so boring and dumb and predictable in a bad way that I already know I will not see them. Which doesn't bode well, right? Because I think a lot of people have either forgotten who she is, or just don't really care one way or the other. And if I, a person who likes Vardalos and wants her to succeed, won't see these movies, then who will? Because seriously, they look bad.

They both have a distinct feeling of going back to the well. "My Life In Ruins" features a Greek-American woman who's unhappy with her life achieving happiness in a way that prominently features her Greek-ness. "I Hate Valentine's Day" (which Vardalos wrote and directed herself) re-teams her with John Corbett, and once again, she's a lady who isn't very good at relationships, only to become good at them through the laidback, mom-friendly charm of Corbett.

Featured in the "Ruins" trailer: A taciturn bus driver who magically becomes handsome when he shaves his beard, foreigners who pretend not to speak English until Vardalos says something embarrassing that they can humorously comment on, and a lot of appliances malfunctioning and people yelling about those malfunctions.

In the "Valentine's Day" trailer: A sassy lady (you can tell she's more confident than she was in "Big Fat Greek Wedding" because she's blonde and wears noticeable eye makeup) with sassier gay male sidekicks does not believe we are meant to be in relationships, so she breaks off all of hers after five dates. But then John Corbett shows up, and they go on five dates, and she totally still likes him afterward! But how can she break her rule?! Also, slo-mo running in a dress, and the following exchange:

Gay Sidekick: Let me give you some advice - woo HIM!
Vardalos: This is hard! What do guys like besides pizza and morning sex?!

I'm sorry, Nia Vardalos, but I can't. I would if I could, but I can't.

Creepin' on the Light Rail.

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 07:35:30 GMT

I got on the Light Rail the other day, and it was INSANELY crowded. Everyone was packed into whatever space there was, and of course I wound up as part of the indistinguishable writhing mass that forms near the doors, where only a lucky few on the outside edges have handles or poles to hang onto when the train starts and stops. The rest of us just have to brace ourselves and try not to fall into strangers, which usually doesn't work.

So the train pulls out of the station, and I and another young woman around my age manage to lose our balance and basically fall into the lap (he was standing, but you know what I mean) of the guy behind us. We all kind of laugh awkwardly and apologize to each other, and then another guy next to the one we fell into does an exaggerated "aw, shucks!" finger-snap and goes, "Some guys have all the luck!"

Gross.

On another note, I just bought this laptop about two weeks ago, and the V key is already stuck. Life is so frustrating.

Seriously?

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 05:53:44 GMT

I realize I'm a couple years late to the party, but I started reading "Twilight" this week, and it is really bad. SO bad. I'm pretty sure I could have written it. In fact, I think I did write some things in about eighth grade that were of similar quality.

"Aren't you hungry?" he asked, distracted.
"No." I didn't feel like mentioning that that my stomach was already full - of butterflies.

OH MY GOD STEPHENIE MEYER.

I am typing this on my new laptop. Yay!

Sun, 31 May 2009 06:50:35 GMT

You're the Tortured Intellectual!
Take What sort of Hipster are you? today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>

You're sensitive, you're emotional, and you wonder why everyone else in the world exists on a different plane. You cannot eat, breathe, or sleep without analyzing each action to death. You're usually sombre, depressed, lethargic, but you can be nearly glad from time to time. You wear whatever you can find on your cluttered bedroom floor. You carry books, notepads, reading glasses with you wherever you go. You have friends, but only a few who truly get where you're coming from. You frequent coffee shops, libraries, and the less crowded bars. You're obsessed with past people, past ideas, past lives. You wish you could die and be reborn as Jack Kerouac.

I'm pretty sure I'm not a hipster at all, but I guess if I'm anything, I'm probably closest to this.

Hypochondria(?) haiku.

Thu, 07 May 2009 08:54:29 GMT

Brief, stabbing headaches.
Dehydration? No caffeine?
Or deadly tumor?

"I meant to last it out and not come back at all."

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 07:07:25 GMT

Sylvia Plath's son, Nicholas Hughes, committed suicide on March 22nd, and I just heard about it today. Have you ever had it happen that you hear about something after the fact - something that has nothing to do with you personally - and find yourself indignant that nobody told you sooner? That's how I feel right now. I also have the totally nonsensical feeling that, because of who his mother was, someone - maybe even Nicholas Hughes himself - should have seen this coming and stopped it.